Saturday, January 14, 2012

It hurts.

Sometimes I wish I was without emotion. Not because someone hurts me but because it hurts me so much to hurt someone else, or even consider that I might have. I have had quite some time tonight to think about it. How immediately a girl wants to share her pain with someone else; to get their opinion and just talk out loud. But what happens when she can't? Where does the pain go? How does she deal with it?

I'm sure some girls get sick and throw up, and sometimes I've felt that way too. Some girls break down into tears; and I have as well. Some girls pretend it didn't happen and act like a rock; I have had that reaction as well. But for me, what I feel most is what I'm guessing a mother (I wouldn't actually know this) feels when her child gets hurt or fails and something and the mother wants so badly to do something for the child but really can't. Her heart wants to burst with the pain of helplessness.

So does the pain inside turn everything to mush? Does it make her so vulnerable she can't resist attacks? Does it make her break down so far she feels nothing? Or does it solidify into steel? Make her so strong that nothing can crack her armor? Does it cause her heart to beat so fast and cry its own tears beneath the solid surface of concrete that she has kept and maintained to guard herself and make her the independent woman she is?

How is it possible that emotional pain can cause so much physical pain? How is it possible to have such clear physical reactions to an attack so vague?

I wish I could just ignore things sometimes. Be that rock. Pretend things don't affect me. If you met me tomorrow you would never know the inner war that I endured tonight. If you met me tomorrow you wouldn't realize how vulnerable and collapsible I might feel inside. I'm glad that I'm able to continue on easily, to learn and not forget, to easily forgive myself and others, to smile when I want to scream. Some say that I am emotionless, steel with no feelings, or that I don't care about people and their feelings. These accusations have all been spoken. And I believe those that spoke them believe them true. And then it's a full circle back to the top of this post. I feel that I've now offended them and am hurt by the possibility but don't know how to correct it. Evil this is.

I give so much of myself in ways that seem impervious to people. Sometimes I believe I live in another world where people don't think about the words they say. The specific words they say. How many times have I answered the exact questions someone asked only to have them get upset that I didn't answer their question. Reality: I didn't answer the question they were intending to ask, but the question they actually asked. When having conversations, I comment on the actual words someone used in the pattern of which they chose only to be ridiculed for missing the point. Not the point they actually made, but the point they were thinking. Admittedly English is a very difficult language, but for native speakers, why is this such a common problem? I know I'm not the only one that has experienced the phenomenon because I have read about it happening with others. It is extremely frustrating though because the basics of communication is broken down. We pay attention to body language and gestures, but not enough to words. Without the in depth understanding of our basic language system and the attentive detail to the way it's spoke there is very little meaningful communication. Yes, you can get the weather update or confirm the shopping list, but it doesn't get beyond the surface level.

I supposed if you've read this far you understand, empathize, have absolutely nothing to do, have no clue what I'm talking about but like reading my writing, or are seriously interested in my thoughts. I don't care which one, but I'm happy you did. Thank you. You've made me smile. Made my night better. Given me the inspiration to love life again and give others the inspiration to love it as much as I do!