Wednesday, December 12, 2012

The Long and sometimes Lonely Road

Nine times out of ten, or even ninety nine times out of a hundred I'll tell you that single hood is a wonderful thing and that I truly am enjoying it.

Short background history to better appreciate the thought and sentiment of the post. I purposefully remained single through high school and undergrad to better further my education and violin skills. When I entered my Masters studies I made the conscience decision to date, and consequently found a suitable mate, or so I deemed at the time. After a few years in this relationship things went decidedly sour and back to single hood I returned.

It was extremely hard at first, I will admit. But soon the independent lifestyle, the freedom, the carefree effortlessness, and the lack of heart wrenching scenes became a preciousness I didn't know had existed.

All this to say that even in my reverie of single hood, there are small holes in this seemingly airtight bubble in which I reside. But since I rarely get on a ladder to go looking for them and since I also don't try to push the boundaries of my single hood bubble I rarely notice these small holes.

But once in a great while I stumble and fall and my nose lands directly on one of those darn holes. And wouldn't you know it? The air on the outside smells more pleasant than inside. It's the grass is always greener  phenomenon. But breathing in that sweet air certainly gets my attention and collapses my heart into a melting pile of throbbing wanting.

In this time all I can think of is how much I want someone.; someone to hold, someone to silently understand, someone to feel my heart beating strong against theirs, someone to love and someone who will love me back. I spend the day in my melted pile of gooey heartedness, lamenting over the fact that I single.

This scenario really rarely every happens...thankfully.

And it's a good thing because not only do I live a life that is suited toward single hood, but I am actively pursuing a career change that will be only fitted to the single lifestyle. In this new pursuit the small and scary thought flitted across my mind as to whether this is really the best of all possible worlds. If I do pursue this career, I will remain single. I will remain alone. I will remain without someone.

This is when I tell myself that when the time is right there will be someone that I randomly meet who will be able to merge into my career path. Otherwise, when I eventually settle down as much I can handle (maybe split the year between travel and a planted home), which won't be happening in the near future, I'll be old enough that I can just have a retired someone. Or by then I'll just have so many awesome friends that a someone would just get in the way!

Too all those out there with or without a someone, enjoy your current state. Relish the existence of just being; being you, with or without someone. Breath in deeply and savor the senses that are those around you.

Stop. Stop wishing. Stop searching. Stop waiting. Just stop, or you'll miss it and you'll never be able to get it back.