The reason being is that I don't know exactly where I'm going, in life that is. Yes, tomorrow I'm driving to Little Rock to play in the Arkansas Symphony. Whenever I get washed up on shore from the cruise ship industry I try to land somewhat near Little Rock so I can at least gain the resemblance of an income. (Although the resemblance is looking mighty bleak as of late).
So there is 'direction' in my life. But what I mean by that statement in the title is that I'm not sure where my life is headed.
The last few weeks I've been working on research for my new show that I want to pull together. But I'm not sure if I'll be able to manage it since I'll have to get funding and/or a producer to back me. If those two things don't come together there is simply no way my show will be possible.
There is another avenue that I very recently remembered for a short life path trek. However, how much time should I take away from my show in order to follow it and see if it's possible? Is it a better line of work for me right now? Would it have more potential for success? Would it be easier to get backers for the idea and then run with it as opposed to hobbling along at the one I'm attempting now?
Then there are the other odd little jobs and leads that I'm trying to complete in order to survive! Those damned pesky bills to pay off college and credit cards from college and loans for my instruments, and food and gas.
Now I turn to a small tangent that I often express in verbal form to those brave enough to listen. And that is, I believe money should not be the main nor only medium for trade. Why can't I trade things I'm good at for things I need? This used to work so well and then we decided that having only one medium was much better and it divided the people even more into segments of hierarchy. I'm good at a few things and quite handy at many others. I've also spent my entire life in the pursuit of this one goal, to perfect my violin skills, all the while knowing (and accepting) that I would receive very little compensation for my efforts. And honestly, I'm still completely fine with all of that. What I'm not ok with is the direction that society is heading which is effectively eliminating my career from the country.
As I try to continue my pursuit of a performance career there become fewer and fewer openings. Even in the last 10 years jobs have dropped off the map forever. Symphonies are going bankrupt, cruise ships are hiring fewer musicians all around and cutting the classical music all together for the most part and other outlets for classical music, like weddings and funerals or parties and teas are turning to recorded music or DJ's.
This trend reminds me of the title of another one of my blog posts, "Lost in a generation". That entry has nothing to do with this one, but it's something else we've lost in the younger generations; the ability to appreciate and support the fine arts.
Now it sounds like I'm going to do the whole harp against sports thing in favor of music in schools. (maybe another time). But I played sports in school, and out of school and I still do. I watch sports programs on television. I also get that in many sports you can't play them your whole life like classical musicians can and so the pay scale should reflect that (BUT not to the degree it does right now). I listen to non classical music. I buy non classical cd's. I go to non classical performances and the movies as such. (BUT I don't think these artists/actors should be payed more than nearly everyone on the planet. REALLY? If our country was in dire straights I guess we could all die happily listening to pop music and watching the latest pop star bounce around on stage). I enjoy the not so fine arts, really, and support them when I can, but not to the exclusion of the fine arts.
Ok, rant over.
Basically, it feels like for the years since college I've been mostly successfully trekking through the woods. Occasionally, there would be two trails and I've had to choose, but it wasn't like now. Now, I've made it through the woods. I've reached the open field on the other side. There are no trails, there are no paths, there are no boundaries, there is nothing except the woods behind, from which I just emerged. Part of me wants to run back into the woods and the safety of the paths I now know so well, but I know that I can not do that. I must face the open field and find my way. I hope to find friends in this field. I hope to find clues and signs. I hope to learn that I can do more than just follow the path in front of me. I hope that in the field does not lurk a menace so large that it can not be overcome. I hope that I don't become bogged down and lose sight of the horizon. I hope that I don't give up and turn back to the woods.
So here's to hope, to friends, to unforeseen futures, to laughter, to life and to love.
May all my dreams come true.