This last year has been a hard one, for everyone. It partially feels like I've slept-walked my way through it. 2021 has come and although new goals and wishes are supposed to be part of the package, life has continued on as if nothing significant happened.
I know how many of you enjoy reading my posts, there just hasn't been any motivation to write. Without travel, without work, without friends, without family, without music, without my life, all the things I love to do have become the hardest things to do.
Mexico still remains my home destination. It's the longest I've lived in one country since college. Can't say I'm happy about that, but the road of life has become more about trying to stay in the car than enjoying the ride.
I'm searching for new ways to bring joy to my days, to find the happiness in staring out my apartment window vs sitting in a restaurant people watching, to want to practice music I never get to perform, to find the inspiration for words instead of mindless fb marketplace scrolling for things I don't want nor need nor afford, to remember there is more to life than laundry, dusting, cooking, and washing dishes.
When I moved to Jeju Island in Korea many years ago I was faced with a somewhat similar situation where no one spoke English, the time difference was too drastic for long phone calls daily with friends and family, there was no place to go hang out and be comfortable nearby. I felt totally isolated. But I started to find solace when I would go for walks along the deserted roads near the beach every morning before work. And I had work.
Today the city streets of Guadalajara are packed with people with covid so I watch them walk by from inside my window and I have no work and no dissolutions of orchestras and cruise ships in my immediate future. My friends and family are isolated due to covid but at least I can call them every day and my Spanish is good enough I can communicate satisfactorily usually.
I could never of dreamed of a life without live music. I could never have dreamed of a life without cruising (even just for fun instead of work). I could never have dreamed of a life without travel. I could never have dreamed of a life lived indoors.
Yet, this is my "life".
There are people who reinvent themselves quickly and easily. I'm apparently not one of them. This past year has shown me how so much of who I am are the things I love most and with every single one of them taken away, I've lost myself. I'm sleep-walking through a dream, hoping it isn't reality, but waking up every day to realize that it is.
Continuing from 2020 into 2021 I'm looking deep inside myself to find more. I'm not sure what more, but I know there is more. I want to go to sleep at night, excited about the next day instead of dreading it. I want to wake up each day pinching myself to be sure I'm not dreaming because my life seems so wonderful. I want to dream of my future and not daydream of my past. I want to sleep deep at night because I'm exhausted from a good day of successful pursuits and not because I'm depressed with my view from inside my window.
I can't picture what any of this will be yet and that makes it even more difficult. Trying to compare it to any part of my life before covid makes it impossible. How do you walk out of the 'home' you've spent your whole life building, shut the door behind you, and never look back? I don't have the answer, but I must try. No one but me can build the new 'home' I need but me!
Below are some select good times photos from 2020. Enjoy!
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| Shadow hiking with Denny Crane. |
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| Receiving a package that took months and much money to deliver plus a whole lot of luck! |
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| Denny Crane enjoying the lookout: from our vantage point and from his fancy back back ride! |
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Denny Crane got me. After a long work out, stretching on the yoga mat, he snuck a big ol wet kiss right on my cheek. Lucky dog! |
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| Hola Amigos! |
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| Sometimes he just wants cuddles. |
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| Denny's first international flight. He enjoyed looking out the window :) Yes, "awe" is appropriate! |
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| Cliff knows what Ronda wants when she arrives from Mexico at the airport after nearly 24 hours of travel! |
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| A sunny day in the grass! |
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| Final memory in front of my childhood home with my family. |
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| Homemade pumpkin pie from my Mom. No one bakes it better! |
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| I learned the fastest way to reheat my coffee without a microwave. |
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| Denny doing what he loves best. Playing ball! |
Denny Crane is still doing well for all those who know and love him! He steals the hearts of everyone he meets and secures "mascot" for every group he joins. The "Denny Effect" is now a real thing.
Denny is adorable, as always!
ReplyDeleteReinventing, letting go of what was, is always difficult. Most people have to go through this at least twice in their lives, some of us more often.
The best advice I can give is to separate your past from what is now. “Decide” to begin something new, learn a new hobby that you can keep for the next 35 years. Something else creative that you can pour your soul in to. I chose art, art runs in our family too, maybe do a few online tutorials if you need guidance, or just pick up a pencil/crayon and see what happens. Or pick up a new instrument, something more common like guitar or bass guitar, music is everywhere and you can play different styles of music from what you are currently wont to play.
Or maybe try a fabric craft? Crochet, knitting, quilting, all are a form of art using yarn or fabric. And the results can be given to shelters or homeless.
Read! Travel with your mind. There are many books I can almost guarantee that you’ve never looked at, because of your generation, that are fascinating. Maybe find a topic of interest and read everything you can find on that topic. I’m
reading Geoffrey Monmouth right now, the medieval author who was the precursor to the Arthurian legends. I’m also reading the Welsh myths/history and the Scottish myths/history. Compare and contrast the histories of Britain. Find your own topic in history or current events to explore!
But you will have to consciously determine to choose something new. And consciously determine to let your past life go.
Maybe, someday in your future, you will be able to reincorporate some of the activities of your youth, but that part of your life is over. Grieve. Cry. Maybe journal about it, scribble with crayons, whatever, get your pain out however you can. But after your grief is over, start living again.
It’s hard. I am sorry, but we all go through it. You will come out the other side too.
Thanks for all the advice. Lots of things to think about for sure. Finding my way out of the mental fog to a new place where I can do new things is the biggest challenge I find. Luckily, Denny Crane is here to make sure I keep existing :)
ReplyDeleteGo Denny Crane, 🥰
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