Mexico is the third country I've technically moved to from the United States, although one might argue that leaving for 6 months to a cruise ship for the first time (before living overseas) was just as scary a notion.
The first two countries were South Korea and India, neither of which I had any inkling of the language nor customs. Both were immense struggles and I left both a very different woman. Knowing I had some of the language and customs for Mexico made it seem a choice that would be easier.
Initial excitement always provides a magic carpet ride as it were, to enable the first few days or weeks of anticipation. Then once things are starting to settle, the reality of a new country, no matter the language or customs, overwhelms your senses. I want to run and hide.
People mention to me how brave (or crazy) I am to do this all by myself. I've never felt either of those ironically. I just feel normal; my normal :)
I still face all the fears everyone else does. The fear of stepping out into an unknown city, an unknown country with unknown people. It's scary. I've hid inside my apartment for days surviving on cheese and crackers and cans of beans and chicken. It's terrifying to step outside. It's terrifying to try to speak Spanish. It's terrifying to try to ask questions or figure out how something works when your frame of reference is clearly not sufficient. It's just as terrifying as it is exciting. The waves of both emotions flood various days predicating actions. Rationalization takes over despite the realization that it is.
Even so, I've stepped out before. I've met people and walked away happy. I've had conversations in Spanish and been pleasantly surprised at the success. I've figured out different systems of driving and purchasing and thought, "Wow, too bad it's not this easy in the U.S.". I've enjoyed my time exploring and learning each and every time. Yet I still find myself overcome with the fears of "ifs" and an unknown future for days at a time.
There is nothing easy about stepping outside of my comfort zone. There is nothing easy about moving outside your country, your language, your culture. There is nothing easy about traveling the world alone. There is nothing easy about facing your fears. None of it is easy. Yet, my life is more fulfilled. It is more joyful. It is more beautiful than I could possibly hope when I face each of those fears head on.
Yes, there are days, and maybe even weeks, where I curl up and feel sorry for myself and let the fear take over and binge watch Netflix. There are many more days and many more weeks though, where, with heart pounding and palms sweating, I face each fear head on with determination. There have absolutely been disappointments (read my India posts). But out of it all I'm the woman I am today that people see as brave and crazy because of it.
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The minute I went to publish this post a couple of days ago, the touch pad on my brand new computer quit working. After uninstalling and reinstalling the drivers and restarting the computer numerous times, it still doesn't work. Luckily it recognizes my external mouse, but seriously, I now have to travel everywhere with an external mouse to use a brand new computer. Sigh.
I've been struggling with Montezuma's revenge for over a week now. It comes and goes but it's never wise to leave the house for very long. The plus side is I eat less (knowing what the result will be), so I'm hoping to end the battle a few pounds less than I started.
It's been in the 40s and 50s degrees F here inside my concrete apartment. It does get up in the 60s outside but the concrete keeps it cool inside. It's a great convenience in the summertime but with old style windows that don't close so the cold air blows in day and night it's miserable in the winter time. I've had every sweater on that I own and double layer socks and pants, cuddled up under all the blankets but it hasn't been enough. I finally broke down and bought a space heater for the bedroom. All I can hope is that I don't lose my deposit over the electric bill (which has happened to me before so it's a valid fear).
The sugar ants have decided they like everything here. From the bar soap to wash my hands to the crackers for my cheese wrapped inside plastic and wound with a twisty tie on the top most shelf of the kitchen cabinet, to the toothpaste residue in the sink. It's unreal. They don't sell ant traps here that I have found and these aren't standard ants that I've used traps for before so I'm thinking just let them enjoy the bathroom accoutrements and keep everything not in cans in the fridge. Cold crackers with cold cheese isn't too bad :)
Between the cold, the revenge, the computer problems, the ants, and the solid rain for two days I haven't got much rest, but the rain has finally stopped. It's still very overcast with a chill to the air, but it's not raining. I've moved almost all my furniture into the bedroom so I can "close" the pretend door-like structure and work, eat, sleep, and play with Denny Crane in the nice warm room. Only time will tell what the price of the enjoyment will cost me.
The first two countries were South Korea and India, neither of which I had any inkling of the language nor customs. Both were immense struggles and I left both a very different woman. Knowing I had some of the language and customs for Mexico made it seem a choice that would be easier.
Initial excitement always provides a magic carpet ride as it were, to enable the first few days or weeks of anticipation. Then once things are starting to settle, the reality of a new country, no matter the language or customs, overwhelms your senses. I want to run and hide.
People mention to me how brave (or crazy) I am to do this all by myself. I've never felt either of those ironically. I just feel normal; my normal :)
I still face all the fears everyone else does. The fear of stepping out into an unknown city, an unknown country with unknown people. It's scary. I've hid inside my apartment for days surviving on cheese and crackers and cans of beans and chicken. It's terrifying to step outside. It's terrifying to try to speak Spanish. It's terrifying to try to ask questions or figure out how something works when your frame of reference is clearly not sufficient. It's just as terrifying as it is exciting. The waves of both emotions flood various days predicating actions. Rationalization takes over despite the realization that it is.
Even so, I've stepped out before. I've met people and walked away happy. I've had conversations in Spanish and been pleasantly surprised at the success. I've figured out different systems of driving and purchasing and thought, "Wow, too bad it's not this easy in the U.S.". I've enjoyed my time exploring and learning each and every time. Yet I still find myself overcome with the fears of "ifs" and an unknown future for days at a time.
There is nothing easy about stepping outside of my comfort zone. There is nothing easy about moving outside your country, your language, your culture. There is nothing easy about traveling the world alone. There is nothing easy about facing your fears. None of it is easy. Yet, my life is more fulfilled. It is more joyful. It is more beautiful than I could possibly hope when I face each of those fears head on.
Yes, there are days, and maybe even weeks, where I curl up and feel sorry for myself and let the fear take over and binge watch Netflix. There are many more days and many more weeks though, where, with heart pounding and palms sweating, I face each fear head on with determination. There have absolutely been disappointments (read my India posts). But out of it all I'm the woman I am today that people see as brave and crazy because of it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The minute I went to publish this post a couple of days ago, the touch pad on my brand new computer quit working. After uninstalling and reinstalling the drivers and restarting the computer numerous times, it still doesn't work. Luckily it recognizes my external mouse, but seriously, I now have to travel everywhere with an external mouse to use a brand new computer. Sigh.
I've been struggling with Montezuma's revenge for over a week now. It comes and goes but it's never wise to leave the house for very long. The plus side is I eat less (knowing what the result will be), so I'm hoping to end the battle a few pounds less than I started.
It's been in the 40s and 50s degrees F here inside my concrete apartment. It does get up in the 60s outside but the concrete keeps it cool inside. It's a great convenience in the summertime but with old style windows that don't close so the cold air blows in day and night it's miserable in the winter time. I've had every sweater on that I own and double layer socks and pants, cuddled up under all the blankets but it hasn't been enough. I finally broke down and bought a space heater for the bedroom. All I can hope is that I don't lose my deposit over the electric bill (which has happened to me before so it's a valid fear).
The sugar ants have decided they like everything here. From the bar soap to wash my hands to the crackers for my cheese wrapped inside plastic and wound with a twisty tie on the top most shelf of the kitchen cabinet, to the toothpaste residue in the sink. It's unreal. They don't sell ant traps here that I have found and these aren't standard ants that I've used traps for before so I'm thinking just let them enjoy the bathroom accoutrements and keep everything not in cans in the fridge. Cold crackers with cold cheese isn't too bad :)
Between the cold, the revenge, the computer problems, the ants, and the solid rain for two days I haven't got much rest, but the rain has finally stopped. It's still very overcast with a chill to the air, but it's not raining. I've moved almost all my furniture into the bedroom so I can "close" the pretend door-like structure and work, eat, sleep, and play with Denny Crane in the nice warm room. Only time will tell what the price of the enjoyment will cost me.
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| It was too cold for color. |
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