Walking Through Back Pain

Many years ago now, I tore my lower back doing a simple lift at a Cross Fit gym under the direct supervision of its owner, who never realized I tore it coincidentally. I suffered for weeks unable to walk and then graduating to using two canes and eventually just one in order to get around. I couldn't stand up straight and it hurt to sneeze, laugh, couch, etc. It also hurt to sit down in a chair or go anywhere in a car. It was a terrible experience. 

After that, I began training in Insanity again and learned a lot about using correct muscles while I retore and rehealed and retore and rehealed my back. I finally recovered (technically you never do) and kept at the workouts but with a new found knowledge of muscle use in exercise.

Fast forward to recently and somehow I reinjured my back. There was no, omg ouch!, moment. I just realized at one point that my back really hurt and very quickly after that, it went from it hurts to I can't move. Once again I was practically bed ridden. I did nothing for a few days other than hobble from the bed to the bathroom to the couch and back. The pain didn't improve, nor did my mobility. So I started taken muscle relaxants (just over the counter ones, but strong ones-thank you Mexico), and slowly but surely I've progressed. 

I have no bath to soak in so I counted on those little pills to relax my back enough to walk. I couldn't stand up straight for about a week and it hurt to cough, sneeze, or laugh again. 

With the little pills though, I was able to walk around my place and one day (I don't even remember why, but I'm going with I needed food) I had to walk to the store. When I returned my back was aching horribly and I could barely stand up. I thought I'd really screwed up going for the walk. But the next morning, turns out my back was better; not perfect, but better. I took more little pills and laid around on the couch all day thinking it would be good to rest it after such a trialing day before. But the following morning my back was no better. "What in the world?" I thought. 

So yesterday I took another super duper, Ronda turbo speed, almost two hour long walk and yes, when I got back my back ached. Granted, I'd done that walk with Denny Crane comfortably resting in his fancy backpack on my back because he can't keep up with my pace for that long and I didn't want him molesting the neighbors by barking for 2 hours either. That night I decided not to take a pill and see what happened this morning. 

Turns out, my back is better this morning. No, it's not perfect. It still hurts if I sneeze or cough, but getting up and down from a seated position, or standing up straight no longer hurts or is impossible. I was also able to crack my lower back which really hurt but also felt intensely satisfying and relieving. 

I still have no idea what I did to cause my back to suddenly go out, but I am glad to have learned that if I can walk through the pain, I can wake up renewed and restored!

I spotted this beautiful bright red cardinal (?) on my walk.

Too Early For Coffee

 Today I'm up so early (for me) that my computer is still in night mode. All the blue lighting to help ease me to sleep at night is very low and I feel like I'm sleep typing just looking at the screen.

It's still too early for coffee. My body doesn't want anything yet. No sensory receptors are ready to function: no sound (except my keyboard), no food or drinks, no candles or aromatherapy diffusers, etc. I'm still sleeping!

Wasn't my choice to wake up this early as I set no alarms and I didn't have any nightmares, but things happen sometimes. Trying to use the time wisely because going back to bed only results in tossing and turning and light sleep patterns where you end up more tired than you began.

Yesterday was a good day for productivity though. Happy to have made as much progress as I did in so many things. Now I just have to stick to my guns and do it all again today! 

Here's to making it a good day.

Working from bed still...

Alive & Dreams

 The title won't make any sense probably, if you didn't see my last post, but I'm going to make the crazy assumption you're here because you enjoy catching up on my strange life, even though I haven't been good at posting for a long long time.

Truth is, I'm not inspired to post when I'm not really happy so it hasn't been a writing season for quite some time. And even less so during the fun newish, now oldish pandemic.

Trying to find a new me and learn a new life and all of that has shown me: 

• I need to sleep until at least 9am no matter how many hours of sleep that actually is.
• I am now a coffee drinker more than a yerba mate drinker even though I don't like the taste better.
• I need in-person/live people-watching to survive a quarantine.
• Shaunt T is still the man for exercise inspiration!
• I am able to learn a lot about relationships and communication by watching The Amazing Race.
• Lamps are amazing things. You never know what you will miss until you don't have it anymore.
• I've never been unemployed for so long in my life since high school.
• Wearing makeup during a pandemic doesn't help you feel more alive; more like silly.
• I hate cooking. This is not something new. Just something verified by pandemic cooking 3x/day.
• Video calls are more stressful than helpful. I'm old school and still prefer voice calls.

Ok, I think that is enough sharing for now. You get the idea. 

In the process of trying to find the new Ronda while not completely losing the old Ronda so that I can find work again one day (Who knew that violinists aren't commodities in the 'real' world and businesses aren't interested in the skill set of dedication, perseverance, focus, accurate and precise work, responsible autonomously, and fast learning required to be a professional violinist.), I'm hoping, yes hoping, to write more in the blog.

I can't guarantee the future and I'm big on not making promises I can't keep, so I will do my best to write a whole lot more :)

When I traveled the world for a living (yes, that was an awesome job), I had so much material I couldn't get it all written down. With life seemingly the same, churning out a mundane existence moving from one couch to the other, I'm not so inspired with fantastic tales of adventure. But, I do live in Mexico with a Dachshund of unparalleled personality, so I'm sure I can find something worth writing about once in a while, right? Well, that's the goal. 

I aim to write much more often here on this blog and if you feel so inclined, responding to me (respond to the blog email if you're a subscriber, comment on my blog, message me on fb, etc.) would be a wonderful way to inspire me to keep writing right now.

Hopefully I will have continuing reasons to keep writing and blogging and reimagining Ronda!

How is he so photogenic? I mean, he steals the shot every time! I am obsessed with my new watch band however.
Who knew 12mm quality watch bands were so hard to come by in Mexico?!

Sleep and Dreams

This last year has been a hard one, for everyone. It partially feels like I've slept-walked my way through it. 2021 has come and although new goals and wishes are supposed to be part of the package, life has continued on as if nothing significant happened. 

I know how many of you enjoy reading my posts, there just hasn't been any motivation to write. Without travel, without work, without friends, without family, without music, without my life, all the things I love to do have become the hardest things to do.

Mexico still remains my home destination. It's the longest I've lived in one country since college. Can't say I'm happy about that, but the road of life has become more about trying to stay in the car than enjoying the ride. 

I'm searching for new ways to bring joy to my days, to find the happiness in staring out my apartment window vs sitting in a restaurant people watching, to want to practice music I never get to perform, to find the inspiration for words instead of mindless fb marketplace scrolling for things I don't want nor need nor afford, to remember there is more to life than laundry, dusting, cooking, and washing dishes. 

When I moved to Jeju Island in Korea many years ago I was faced with a somewhat similar situation where no one spoke English, the time difference was too drastic for long phone calls daily with friends and family, there was no place to go hang out and be comfortable nearby. I felt totally isolated. But I started to find solace when I would go for walks along the deserted roads near the beach every morning before work. And I had work. 

Today the city streets of Guadalajara are packed with people with covid so I watch them walk by from inside my window and I have no work and no dissolutions of orchestras and cruise ships in my immediate future. My friends and family are isolated due to covid but at least I can call them every day and my Spanish is good enough I can communicate satisfactorily usually. 

I could never of dreamed of a life without live music. I could never have dreamed of a life without cruising (even just for fun instead of work). I could never have dreamed of a life without travel. I could never have dreamed of a life lived indoors. 

Yet, this is my "life". 

There are people who reinvent themselves quickly and easily. I'm apparently not one of them. This past year has shown me how so much of who I am are the things I love most and with every single one of them taken away, I've lost myself. I'm sleep-walking through a dream, hoping it isn't reality, but waking up every day to realize that it is.

Continuing from 2020 into 2021 I'm looking deep inside myself to find more. I'm not sure what more, but I know there is more. I want to go to sleep at night, excited about the next day instead of dreading it. I want to wake up each day pinching myself to be sure I'm not dreaming because my life seems so wonderful. I want to dream of my future and not daydream of my past. I want to sleep deep at night because I'm exhausted from a good day of successful pursuits and not because I'm depressed with my view from inside my window. 

I can't picture what any of this will be yet and that makes it even more difficult. Trying to compare it to any part of my life before covid makes it impossible. How do you walk out of the 'home' you've spent your whole life building, shut the door behind you, and never look back? I don't have the answer, but I must try. No one but me can build the new 'home' I need but me!

Below are some select good times photos from 2020. Enjoy!

Shadow hiking with Denny Crane.

Receiving a package that took months and much money to deliver plus a whole lot of luck!

Denny Crane enjoying the lookout:
from our vantage point and from his fancy back back ride!

Denny Crane got me. After a long work out, stretching on the yoga mat, 

he snuck a big ol wet kiss right on my cheek. Lucky dog! 

Hola Amigos!

Sometimes he just wants cuddles.

Denny's first international flight.
He enjoyed looking out the window :)
Yes, "awe" is appropriate!

Cliff knows what Ronda wants when she arrives from
Mexico at the airport after nearly 24 hours of travel!

A sunny day in the grass!

Final memory in front of my childhood home with my family. 

Homemade pumpkin pie from my Mom. No one bakes it better!

I learned the fastest way to reheat my coffee without a microwave.

Denny doing what he loves best. Playing ball!

Denny Crane is still doing well for all those who know and love him! He steals the hearts of everyone he meets and secures "mascot" for every group he joins. The "Denny Effect" is now a real thing.

4 Walls of Isolation

 I'm having Korea flashbacks. The bad kind. Yes, I did end up having wonderful memories in Korea but it took me a while to get there. This life in Mexico is proving just as difficult with totally different factors.

Yes, I can speak Spanish and yes there are people that speak English.

Yes, there are restaurants to go to nearby (for take out these days).

Yes, I'm living without 8 other girls or one very angry one.

Yes, I have access to American TV should I want.

Yes, I'm living in a time zone where I can call my friends and family while I'm awake.

Yes, I have my car.

Yes, I have access to big name stores with all I could want.

But I struggle with depression nearly every day.

No, I don't have a job. Orchestras are no longer working even if I was in the US, but I certainly don't have inroads to one in Mexico at this point.

No, I don't have a place to play my violin every day. I can't even bring myself to play it at all. It's just too depressing.

No, I don't have long walks on the beach, breathing in the fresh sea air.

No, I don't have lovely weekend tours throughout the state.

No, I don't get to be around people everyday (even if they don't speak my language).

No, I don't wake up every day with a purpose even though I have goals and projects.

No, I don't wake up with hope even though I seek it out. The future is blurry and dim each day.

This isn't Mexico's fault. I'm in this predicament through a number of factors; covid and an extroverted personality (needs to be around people to get energy) being the main two. 

My days are encompassed within 4 walls. If I open the doors for fresh air the mosquitoes are waiting just outside for a chance to feast during the night. If I go to the store, it's a nightmare of half hour long lines and crowded aisles because Guadalajara is an open city. I really have no where to go anyway. Why go anywhere? I have no job inside or outside. The more I wander around in my car the more I waste gas money. The more I wander around the city streets, the further I get from the possibility of a job. So I sit around all day. I read all my emails, research topics, come up with failing ideas, and do my workout. For some introverts this would be a dream reality. But for me, my energy tank is empty. It's always empty. It gets a small boost every couple of weeks when I stock up at Costco, and I find myself standing straighter and smiling and even daring to hope. And then I get back home and reality smacks me hard in the face and all the dreams I'd just dreamed quickly fade away.

I finally have all the time to do all the things I'd always wanted. I have time to write (but it always comes out negative like this is). I have time to practice (I cry just picking up the case). I have time to study Russian (I can barely bring myself to learn a new word a day in Spanish). I have time to develop new business ideas (I think about them a lot but never get motivated to start any). I have time to read (ok, I've actually done this but with heavy feelings of guilt every time I sit down to enjoy a book instead of working toward a job). Pathetically, possibly, I don't even binge watch Netflix with my time. My days are mostly silent and lonely. 

The hole is deep and dark and the sides are slippery. 

Legal to walk another 6 months

What an experience. What a day. What a really long day to test my patience, my feet, my Spanish, and my dedication to finding the best perspective and having a positive attitude.

Trying to survive in a foreign country with a second language has certainly been a challenge (every time). Trying to survive in a country (that often works under the table) during a worldwide pandemic has been an even greater challenge.

Before the virus started, I had a job lined up in the US and the intention to start my temporary visa for Mexico (which must be started outside of Mexico). A month before my trip was planned the border was closed as well as the consulates and concert halls. Day by day I read and watched and waited to try to figure out what the best plan was. Day by day my "plans" changed.

Several times I visited the immigration office and every time I was turned away and told to wait. I was a bit worried but I waited. I waited until after my visa expired and I kept waiting as they kept instructing.

Considering the situation progression, I decided to seek additional advice. I paid a lawyer to help me. He filled out lots of paperwork, which I signed, and told me he would make an appointment for me as soon as possible at immigration and an associate would accompany me to help me.

Fantastic I thought. Yes, I've paid more than the cost of a new visa, but I'll finally be able to get an appointment and get help to secure a new visa. Granted, not for my car (thus the title that I'm legal to *walk* for another 6 months), but it's much more reassuring to have a current visa, especially if I can't leave for much longer.

Three weeks later I finally had my appointment. It's a good thing I kept up with the lawyer as I never received the email with my appointment information.

So that brings me to today.

It was an early morning for me as I prepared everything for Denny Crane to stay home alone for the day and made sure I had everything I needed for my appointment at 9. I was told to arrive early. and I arrived five minutes before 9, looked for the associate, but didn't find him. I messaged that I was there and received a message about 10 minutes later that said he was late and was parking and would be there soon. Another 10 minutes later he arrived. Unfortunately, he was 20 minutes late to my 9 o'clock appointment and I was told it was too late. I was not allowed to enter. I didn't understand everything that transpired afterward but I did understand that I needed to wait. And that is what I did. I waited.

Waiting outside immigration. Yes, that is a blow up sanitization walk-through tent just inside the door.

I was finally permitted to enter my appointment around 10 minutes after 11. I did not know before hand that I was going to be standing for the entirety of my appointment and to try to give a proper impression, I wore my business attire (khaki pants and black blouse with sweater). What is included with my business attire are my high heels. My khaki pants are too long for flats. Well, I most certainly did not enjoy standing in place for an hour in high heels after waiting for 2 hours.

But, you do what you need to and I stood there and answered all the questions and signed all the papers. All of this without any help that was promised. I had envisioned a private appointment where I had a translator to help me, but the reality was I stood in a general room alone because the associate was not allowed to enter with me. I did my best to do everything in Spanish and was almost completely successful, which was an amazing feeling. After an hour I was told to wait more, so I regressed to my previous waiting game and waiting another two hours.

Nope, can't say it's my happiest face after half a day of waiting and standing.

At 2 o'clock I tried to get back in to the second part of the process but the doors weren't open. I did have a bit of good fortune in that about ten minutes after 2 they opened the doors so I was permitted to wait inside instead of outside where I was quite cold. However, nothing was happening inside. I sat and waited and waited some more. A half hour later there was finally movement and after waiting for the couple in front of me to sign their new visas, I was finally granted the opportunity to finish the process and sign my new visa, thus granting me the legalization to walk around Mexico for another 6 months.

My car permit is also expired and so far the government isn't extending those permits. I'm not sure why, but luckily for me, I live very close to everything so I don't need to drive often, but it's still disconcerting to know that my car is illegal every time I want to go to a restaurant or Costco.

So after 8 hours (Poor Denny Crane. He held it all day. He's such a boss!), I returned home with blisters on my feet and barely able to walk, very very hungry as I hadn't eaten all day, an incredibly full bladder from not having a restroom all day, and extreme tiredness from waiting all day lol!

Now it is on to another waiting game where I wait on the virus and the countries of Mexico and the USA. What will transpire in the coming 6 months I can not say, but I'm very thankful to have my new visa to wait it out and see!

Two months of dusting later I've learned this important fact...

I've learned something very important in the last two months.

1. There are windows with the same name as a piece of music I regularly played back in my cruise ship days, Jalousie.
2. These windows are not recommended for any outside walls. 

This is what Jalousie windows look like. 

Often I see this design on closet doors, but in Mexico they are the most common type of window on houses. Very often there are panes missing which make the situation even worse as maybe 1/3 of houses in the cities have screens to keep the mosquitoes out. 

But the main reason these windows are practically useless is because they do not seal. You can close them, but they overlap each other and there is no sealing agent of any kind where they overlap nor on the sides where the opening mechanisms function. The result is incomparable, even to normal single pane windows.

• There is no sound control. It appears that anyone remotely close to your windows, whether neighbors above or people simply in another apartment with the door open 15 feet away, are actually in your house. You can hear all the conversations, music, telephone messaging notifications, and other various sounds we won't discuss. 
• There is limited rain control. Yes, if you close them completely, most of the rain will not come in, but if it's raining hard or the droplets are large, the windows simply do not seal sufficiently to keep the rain from entering. Curtains get wet. Floors get wet. Furniture that happens to be in front or nearby gets wet. And heaven forbid what happens if they're open because the rain landing on each of the panes acts as a launching agent soaking everything within ten feet. 
• There is ample opening for mosquitoes. If the screens are well sized and without holes than this is not a problem, but I have learned in Mexico, this is rarely the case. If there are not holes in the screen itself, the person that cut and installed the screen didn't measure the window properly or didn't bother to do the job correctly so there is at least a half inch opening on one side or more where the screen closure simply does not touch the other side of the window. There are both holes and poorly measured screens in my home, and with tape to cover what I can it helps, but the windows themselves are far from sealing and are welcome invitations for mosquitoes to enter all day and all night.
• There is no insulation in these windows. Single pane windows offer very little insulation as well and often the water and ice will form on these windows, but that is better than inside the house. With Jalousie windows, if there is a gale of cold air, whether the windows are "closed" or not, you will feel it. It's impossible to stay warm in the winter time with these windows and no electric heater. Even with an electric heater, it has to run constantly to maintain an adequate temperature because the windows are constantly permitting cold air to enter. The opposite also works for hot air in the summertime. Air conditioning will bleed you penniless with these windows because they just don't seal. Fans blow the hot air from outside around your house and you control how much of the hot airs circulates based on how much of the window is open, but it never circulates cool air.
• There is nothing to keep the dirt and dust outside. This is the worst of all for me. I've never lived in a house with all Jalousie windows and I hope I never do again. With tape over the sides of the screens and curtains over all the windows (sometimes double curtains), the tops of the kitchen counters and bedside tables are black with dust within 5 days or less. I do not exaggerate with the color black. The paper towel has so much black dust on it it typically starts having rolls of the stuff instead of just absorbing it. I can't quite describe the awful reality of the dirt that passes through these windows. No, it's not necessary to live on the street or next to construction. This happens in a secluded and private complex.

Needless to say, I spend hours a day just cleaning various surfaces in my home. I did try for two weeks to just barely clean and spend more time on other (more important) tasks, and quickly learned that if I want to sleep well, breath easy, have clear sinuses, and not sneeze all day, (as well as not eat dust), I need to commit the hours of cleaning every day.

This fact has been the most horrendous part of my two months in the new place. Every hope and excitement to get my writing career started has fizzled with exhaustion and the endless list of what else needs cleaning. Two months in has revealed it won't subside and there aren't cheats to be had to clean less (other than paying someone I suppose). My time is now spent in janitorial fashion without the paycheck. 

So, if you ever see these Jalousie windows in a house and you can't change them, turn around and don't look back! Trust me that they are not worth your sanity, your sleep, nor your sinuses.