I'm having Korea flashbacks. The bad kind. Yes, I did end up having wonderful memories in Korea but it took me a while to get there. This life in Mexico is proving just as difficult with totally different factors.
Yes, I can speak Spanish and yes there are people that speak English.
Yes, there are restaurants to go to nearby (for take out these days).
Yes, I'm living without 8 other girls or one very angry one.
Yes, I have access to American TV should I want.
Yes, I'm living in a time zone where I can call my friends and family while I'm awake.
Yes, I have my car.
Yes, I have access to big name stores with all I could want.
But I struggle with depression nearly every day.
No, I don't have a job. Orchestras are no longer working even if I was in the US, but I certainly don't have inroads to one in Mexico at this point.
No, I don't have a place to play my violin every day. I can't even bring myself to play it at all. It's just too depressing.
No, I don't have long walks on the beach, breathing in the fresh sea air.
No, I don't have lovely weekend tours throughout the state.
No, I don't get to be around people everyday (even if they don't speak my language).
No, I don't wake up every day with a purpose even though I have goals and projects.
No, I don't wake up with hope even though I seek it out. The future is blurry and dim each day.
This isn't Mexico's fault. I'm in this predicament through a number of factors; covid and an extroverted personality (needs to be around people to get energy) being the main two.
My days are encompassed within 4 walls. If I open the doors for fresh air the mosquitoes are waiting just outside for a chance to feast during the night. If I go to the store, it's a nightmare of half hour long lines and crowded aisles because Guadalajara is an open city. I really have no where to go anyway. Why go anywhere? I have no job inside or outside. The more I wander around in my car the more I waste gas money. The more I wander around the city streets, the further I get from the possibility of a job. So I sit around all day. I read all my emails, research topics, come up with failing ideas, and do my workout. For some introverts this would be a dream reality. But for me, my energy tank is empty. It's always empty. It gets a small boost every couple of weeks when I stock up at Costco, and I find myself standing straighter and smiling and even daring to hope. And then I get back home and reality smacks me hard in the face and all the dreams I'd just dreamed quickly fade away.
I finally have all the time to do all the things I'd always wanted. I have time to write (but it always comes out negative like this is). I have time to practice (I cry just picking up the case). I have time to study Russian (I can barely bring myself to learn a new word a day in Spanish). I have time to develop new business ideas (I think about them a lot but never get motivated to start any). I have time to read (ok, I've actually done this but with heavy feelings of guilt every time I sit down to enjoy a book instead of working toward a job). Pathetically, possibly, I don't even binge watch Netflix with my time. My days are mostly silent and lonely.
The hole is deep and dark and the sides are slippery.
When ar you coming back to the states?
ReplyDeleteSo sorry to read this. This covid-19 has so many people going through depression. Even I have times when I'm really down in the dumps because I'm so limited to where I can go and what I can do. I hope this ends soon for you and things brighten. You have too much to give to give up now.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comment Joan. I love hearing from you. I'm not giving up but I sure wish I knew what direction to turn.
DeleteFor a direction to turn, consider looking at the present from a future perspective. Circumstances aside, you currently have more free time now than you may ever have again. But if you continue on your current trajectory of wallowing in misery, a year, five years, ten years from now when you are again employed and no longer have the time to do the things you really want, you will look back at the present and hate yourself for having not embraced it for what it was -- an opportunity to do tons of things you always wished you had the time to do. I totally understand why you're in an existential rut -- I've been there, too (a lot). But I guarantee you the only cure is accepting that it sucks and being productive in spite of it because it keeps emotion at bay and puts the best part of you in the driver's seat. Self-pity and loneliness are bullies that run away with their tails between the legs as soon as you get mad, stand up to them and kick their asses. So do you future and present self a service -- put on your big girls pants, grit your teeth, and don't stop climbing until you're out of the hole. Every day you take charge and make an effort to better yourself is a day you won and won't regret later.
ReplyDeleteYou CAN get through this -- but only if you want to get through it more than you want to feel bad about it.
I missed responding to your comment Mickey. Wanted to say thank you and I appreciate everything you wrote. I also totally agree with it.
DeleteIt's been 6 months since this post and I'm no where near where I want to be, but I am better than where I was and that is progress.
Thanks for your encouragement!